nothing good. nothing fresh. i promise. since January 2001

hack yourself: by Michael Montoure
you can be happy. you can live the lift you want to live. you can become the person you want to be. this is what i've figured out so far.

Stop assigning blame. This is the first step. Stop assigning blame and leave the past behind you.

You know whose fault it is that your life isn't perfect. Your boss. Your teachers. Your ex-lovers. The ones who hurt you, the ones who abused you, the ones who left you bleeding. Or even yourself. You know whose fault it is — you've been telling yourself your whole life. Knowing whose fault it is that your life sucks is an excellent way to absolve yourself of any reponsibility for taking your life into your own hands.

Forget about it. Let it go. The past isn't real. “That was in another country, and besides, the wench is dead.” If we're not talking about something that is real and present and in your life right now, then it doesn't matter. Nothing can be done about it. If nothing can be done about it, then don't spend your energy dwelling on it — you have other things to do.

I may sound cruel, I may sound simplistic, I may sound like I'm saying you should just “get over it,” by suggesting that you should let go of your past. I'm sorry for that. But life won't hold still and wait for you to lick your wounds. The race is still being run. Get up and keep moving. You can't do anything about yesterday.

You can do something about tomorrow. And about the next day. Focus your energies there.

+ + +

“I don't have time to write.” “I can't dance.” “I can't talk to new people.” “I'm not attractive.”

I hear this all the time. I always hear the people around me sabotaging themselves, drawing lines and borders and boxes around themselves.

To which I say, make the time; dance; just talk to people; be attractive!

Yes, again, it's simplistic of me to say that. But it's simplistic of you to so easily say what you cannot do!

We're excellent pattern-matchers. That's what the human mind does — it's a pattern-matching engine. So we look at ourselves, at our history, at our behaviors, and we draw straight lines between the points — we assume that just because we've done things a certain way in the past, we'll always do them that way in the future. If we've failed before, we'll always fail.

Screw that.

Surprise yourself. No — amaze yourself.

You don't have to keep doing the things you hate. Why go home and beat yourself up for, say, not going over and saying a few words to someone you find really attractive? Can any damage they could do to you by rejecting you possibly be any worse than the damage you're going to do to yourself for missing the chance?

+ + +

Find the demon.

Do you know what I'm talking about? It's the little voice in the back of your head that's always whispering, “You can't.” You know the demon. You may think you hate the demon, but you don't. You love it. You let it own you. You do everything it says. Everytime there's something you want, you consult the demon first, to see if it will say, “You can't have that.”

What you don't realize is that your demon doesn't know anything. It's an idiot. It's nothing but a parrot, repeating back to you anything negative that it's ever heard, anything that makes you hurt, makes you squirm. If a teacher once told you “You'll never accomplish anything,” it was listening; it hoards words like that and repeats them back to you to watch you jump. It doesn't know what it's saying. It doesn't care.

Exorcise yourself.

You can take me literally or not, as suits you. But do, please, the next time you hear that voice in your head, imagine it, visualize it, as something physical that you can get hold of; tear it out of you, feel its fingers weaken and lose their grip on your spine, and grind it to dust, to nothing, under your boot heel on your way out to dance in the streets.

You can. You think you can't; but it's telling you that. You can.

+ + +

You don't exist.

You just think you do.

We're nothing but the stories we tell ourselves. We know in our hearts what kind of people we are, what we're capable of, because we've told ourselves what kind of people we are. You're a carefully-rehearsed list of weaknesses and strengths you've told yourself you have.

(Self-confidence, for example, is a particularly nebulous quality you can easily talk yourself out of having.)

You owe no allegiance to that self-image if it harms you. If you don't like the story your life has become — tell yourself a better one.

Think about the person you want to be and do what that person would do. Act the way that person would act.

Amazingly enough, once you start acting like that person, people will start treating you like that person.

And you'll start to believe it. And then it will be true.

Welcome to your new self.

+ + +

You are a product of your environnent.

Most people realize this — usually, in the form of having something else to blame — but they tend to forget one important fact:

Humans are the masters of changing their environment.

What this means is that if your environment effects you, and you can effect your environment, then obviously, you can effect yourself.

• Your environment includes people. Figure out who in your life isn't good for you, whose presence tears you down more than it builds you up, whose nearness is poison to you — and get rid of them. Get them out of your life. I don't care if it's your best friend, your boss, your mother, your lover — if they are harming you, if they are doing nothing but reinforce everything bad you tell yourself about yourself, then your relationship with them needs to radically alter or it needs to end.

• Your environment includes goals. Don't set yourself pie-in-the-sky impossible goals and then beat yourself up over not achieving them — set yourself goals that will be good for you, not a source of pain. Attainable goals. Set them and meet them. Don't tell yourself you can't — that's the old story, that story you used to tell yourself about what a poor sad victim you were and how you could never change anything about your life. You can meet your goals. This is the new story.

  Trying to clean your house? Good for you — a clean house can really effect your state of mind for the better. But don't say “Today I'm going to clean the entire house from top to bottom,” when you don't have the time and energy to — don't set yourself up for failure; don't feed the demon. Just say, “Today I'm going to wash all the dishes and clean off the kitchen counter.” And do it.

  Don't tell yourself, “This month I'm going to write that novel.” Tell yourself, “Today I'm going to write five pages.” And do it. Take your dreams and break them down into small pieces and you'll have them in your hands before you know it.

  And you'll find, as you start meeting your goals, that you like it. That it feels good, makes you feel confident and capable. You'll develop a hunger for it.

• Your environment includes yourself — your physical presence. Do what you know you need to do — treat yourself better. Sleep, eat right, exercise. This doesn't mean you have to stop staying out late at night now and then, it doesn't mean you can't have a candy bar, it doesn't mean you have to stop sitting around watching television — it just means start doing the things that are good for you as well as the things that are bad for you, every so often. It's not an all-or-nothing proposition; you don't have to devote your life to being a health nut. Just try eating more fruits and vegetables, the occasional vegetarian meal; go for walks in the park on the weekends. You'll feel better and be more alert if you're a little healthier, and once you start feeling a little better, you'll start wanting the things that make you feel better. You'll see.

• Your environment includes your appearance. If you're not happy with yourself, if you're angry with the person in the mirror, it can honestly help to literally change who you see when you look in the mirror. Try a different hairstyle, new glasses, new jewelry, new clothes. It doesn't have to be expensive — there's a whole universe full of possible You's waiting to be found in thrift stores, if need be. If you're deciding to become the person you want to be, then decide what that person is going to look like. Dress the part. It's not shallow, it's not about vanity, it's about self-transformation — even the most primitive tribes understand the value of costumes and masks for ritual, for change, for becoming someone else.

You are not an object. You are a system. Like with any system, if you change the inputs — change what goes into it — you'll change what comes out.

+ + +

Despite everything I've just said:

Self-examination can be paralysis.

Don't “remember to breathe” — just breathe. It's a Tao thing.

It's the paradox at the center of all this — remember that, “Am I living up to being the person I want to be?”, is not a question the person you want to be would ask.

If I can leave you with just one thought, it's this:

Stop wasting your time fretting over not being happy.

Just be happy.

posted by Say It Loud at 4:53 PM

It's always a NY resolution to cut back on drinking. Thus taking a page from the US gov't helpful handout, here's how I'm doing it.
1. Write your reasons for cutting down or stopping.
Health. Preservation of remaining mental faculties. Retaining $$.
2. Set a drinking goal.

• will start on this day January 3, 2005.

• I will not drink more than __2___ drinks in 1 day.

• I will not drink more than __5___ drinks in 1 week.

This is reasonable, no?
3. Keep a "diary" of your drinking.
Um, ok. Right now, I've had 3 glasses of champagne by 1pm on a Sunday. Off to a grand start, eh?

Here's more of their helpful tips:

Watch it at home.
Keep a small amount or no alcohol at home. Don't keep temptations around.

Drink slowly.
When you drink, sip your drink slowly. Take a break of 1 hour between drinks.

Take a break from alcohol.
Pick a day or two each week when you will not drink at all. Then, try to stop drinking for 1 week. Think about how you feel physically and emotionally on these days. When you succeed and feel better, you may find it easier to cut down for good.

Learn how to say NO.
You do not have to drink when other people drink. You do not have to take a drink that is given to you. Practice ways to say no politely. For example, you can tell people you feel better when you drink less. Stay away from people who give you a hard time about not drinking.

Stay active.
What would you like to do instead of drinking? Use the time and money spent on drinking to do something fun with your family or friends. Go out to eat, see a movie, or play sports or a game.

Get support.
Cutting down on your drinking may be difficult at times. Ask your family and friends for support to help you reach your goal. Talk to your doctor if you are having trouble cutting down. Get the help you need to reach your goal.

Watch out for temptations.
Watch out for people, places, or times that make you drink, even if you do not want to. Stay away from people who drink a lot or bars where you used to go. Plan ahead of time what you will do to avoid drinking when you are tempted.

Do not drink when you are angry or upset or have a bad day. These are habits you need to break if you want to drink less.

In case you can't come up with your own resolutions, the US gov't has a handy list to help you!

posted by Say It Loud at 1:08 PM

XMAS 2002
thoughts on environmental program:

went home over Christmas and told everyone I saw that SF was recylcing 52% of waste. Visited the recycling center in rural Georgia: we had to load up the car, and drive to the location, and sort everything ourselves. The receptacles were overflowing, the clear glass bin was completely full, and people had dumped cardboard boxes that were not broken down. As I watched several people pull up and dump trash, with no other recycling, I realized that my parents were not the norm. No one else recycled anything that day while I was there, yet I spent about 15 minutes trying to figure out where to leave their clear glass and mixed paper (also full). THis led me to think that this was an area I was spoiled in, and wanted to learn as much as possible from the program (SF) that was working so successfully.

My goal is to learn what makes the SF program work so well, and take that to the Atlanta area and try to get it in place there. I can't believe that NYC is no longer picking up bottles for recycling.
posted by Say It Loud at 10:15 PM

xmas 2002:
Saw the Marist gang aka Sir college on Christmas. Radle, Brad, DKubis, and Mike Chapman (aka Homestarrunner). How can 4 people be so unique and hilarious and all know each other? It was gratifying to be included in such a gathering. Talk was mostly of the 10 year high school reunion which is on Saturday. Radle is blazing and ready to attend, but none of the other three were remotely interested. Although DK was wavering until MC pointed out that they'd be handed CDs with music from highschool, and Dan went off on a rampage. It was the first extended period of time I spent with Mike chapman, and he was every bit as hilarious as the others. A wee bit sexy too.
posted by Say It Loud at 10:10 PM

Mr. blue BMW CA license plate 4YPZ353 needs to learn how to control his rage. Dude did the ye olde cut me off, slam on brakes trick. Then ye olde stop on highway although traffic was moving all around me trick. Yawn. Home life must suck or something...
posted by Say It Loud at 7:19 PM

6 month dry spell to end tonight. ah, it couldn't last forever.
posted by Say It Loud at 8:36 PM

my boys! they love their freakish aunt laura!
posted by Say It Loud at 10:16 PM

Perseid meteor shower!
posted by Say It Loud at 12:52 PM

SUCK MY NEWS NETWORK: REAL WORLD CHICAGO

archive of hilarious newsbits put together by Suck My News reports. It includes scenes from the protests, and hijinx by the SMN reporters.
posted by Say It Loud at 11:39 AM

#1 SUMMER JAM

FHQWHGADS! Everybody to the limit! This is the latest genius from the brothers Chap. They run the ever-increasingly popular Homestarrunner.com site. Their work can also be seen in the Mellow Mushroom site, an Atlanta area pizza joint. These guys went to high school with a few of my friends, and yes, they are just as hilarious in person.
posted by Say It Loud at 4:49 PM

The Word of the Day for July 24 is:

mordacious \mor-DAY-shuss\ (adjective)
1 : biting or given to biting
2 : biting or sharp in manner or style : caustic
posted by Say It Loud at 8:57 AM

STORIES OF A VIDEO P0RN CLERK

eeeeyuck. after you get past the stickiness & goo, there are some interesting parts.

"Mr. Creepy is the one that makes me meditate on the nature of dirtbagness the most. He is always, always, always scamming. Bogus damage reports, punch card scams, claiming he got the wrong videos, and of course moving pricing stickers around. The first three bother me the most because they take advantage of our good nature. I hate it when people chip away at our likelihood to cut a good person a break. Especially when they’re just trying to save up for the next entry in the Stop! My Ass is on Fire! series."

posted by Say It Loud at 1:53 PM

TELEVISION FOR CATS

i glimpsed this story as i was flipping thru the channels the other day but figured it was a SNL skit or something. Holy crap.
posted by Say It Loud at 1:50 PM

In case you missed any of the RW: Chicago season, told in storybook form.
posted by Say It Loud at 3:35 PM

You can buy me the complete Danger Island VHS and I will let you watch it with me and we will laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.
posted by Say It Loud at 3:17 PM

THE BEST OF THE WORST COMIC BOOK ADVERTISING

Just hilarious. It's been awhile since I posted anything that was hilarious. Hilarious seems to be my adjective of choice whenever I find anything funny to post. So here is the hilarity.
Judy and Jim Defy Savage Gorilla
Captain Tootsie and the Radar Rescue
Adventures of Sam Spade: "Death on the Speedway"

"WE TRUST YOU"
posted by Say It Loud at 2:44 PM

SHHHH: TOP SECRET

John M. Poindexter was appointed Director of the Pentagon's Information Awareness Office in February."Who's John Poindexter?
A retired Navy Admiral, John Poindexter lost his job as National Security Adviser under Ronald Reagan, and was convicted of conspiracy, lying to Congress, defrauding the government, and destroying evidence in the Iran Contra scandal."

YIPPPPEEE!
posted by Say It Loud at 1:34 PM

POPUP ADS COMING SOON TO A TV NEAR YOU

ad execs, getting increasingly frustrated that no one watches their 3 minute breaks in the middle of TV shows/movies, are considering adding popup ads to superimpose over the screen DURING the show/movie. Wretched, evil, greedy.... when is Mozilla going to be available for TV?
posted by Say It Loud at 4:20 PM

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER THE "JUST SAY NO" PROPAGANDA

"In 1983, there was only one problem plaguing grade schoolers more than ninja attacks: the seductive horrors of drug and alcohol abuse." A review of the video Straight Up. It's funny.
Choice tidbits:
"These little bastards are one latino hermaphrodite in a wheelchair away from you checking all the items off your multicultural scavenger hunt list."
"Chad awkwardly greets them, saying "What, are you guys doing drugs?", and they start making fun of him because he doesn't want any beer. Then they, like every group of drug users will do, try desperately to give their drugs away for free. You might remember that these naggy junkies were a common theme in all anti-drug education of the time. It would have saved a lot of film if someone told educators that teaching children how to avoid getting expensive drugs for free is like teaching children how to escape from unicorns with a bag of magical shrieking peanuts. I can't remember ever saying, "Fine, mister, I'll have some of your free heroin if you just get off my back."
posted by Say It Loud at 4:08 PM

SIGH: ISN'T GORE OUR ELECTED PRESIDENT?

Quotes from our quasi leader's July 8th Press Conference.

"QUESTION: Yes, Mr. President, the NAACP is meeting this week in Houston, as you probably know. And there's been some criticism that you've not attended their convention since the 2000 campaign. How would you respond to that and respond generally to suggestions from some critics that your civil rights record in the administration is not a stellar one?

BUSH: Let's see. There I was sitting around the leader--the table with foreign leaders looking at Colin Powell and Condi Rice.

Yes?" (next question)


We think he stinks too, Mr. Powell.
posted by Say It Loud at 3:27 PM

HAPPINESS IS...

finishing 2 great books in one week: John Henry Days & the Galton Case
then picking up 2 great books at the library: the Nanny Diaries & Fargo Rock City

shhh. don't bother me, i'm reading.
posted by Say It Loud at 2:11 PM

posted by Say It Loud at 10:40 AM

REASON #29 I LOVE SAN FRANCISCO

"In 1996, the Board of Supes passed an ordinance requiring all of our municipal properties to implement an aggressive integrated pest-management (IPM) program. IPM is a multifaceted strategy that aims to reduce herbicide and pesticide use by first turning to biological, cultural and mechanical techniques to control environmental problems."


posted by Say It Loud at 1:42 PM

MICROIMAGES

tiny tiny images crazy engineers snuck onto microchips, blown up for your viewing pleasure:
Stay Puft Marshmallow Man on a 1988 Weitek math coprocessor chip. 300 microns high. That's small.
Where's Waldo? on a microprocessor integrated circuit, of course.
Can Of Worms. Never knew circuit boards could be so cool.
Mr. T. Mr. Freaking T. Ubiquitous.
Moby Dick, or the Whale.

There's also microsnapshots of molecules of beer. Each brand tastes different for a reason.


posted by Say It Loud at 2:30 PM

HAPPY VEGETARIAN WEEK!

July 8 thru July 14, join us regular veggiphiles in the chewing of no meat! Need convincing? Here's a lovely article about chicken nuggets.

Suggested reading: My Year of Meats by Ruth L. Ozeki. It's not really anti-meat, but it's a fabulous book anyway.
posted by Say It Loud at 1:40 PM

JEEVES, THAT KNOW-NOTHING BUTLER OF THE WEB

Satirewire has a great interview with Jeeves, of AskJeeves fame. It is hilarious. Read it.



and an old favorite, Philip Morris changes name to Altria, Lung Cancer changes name to Philip Morris.
posted by Say It Loud at 11:57 AM

I HAD DINNER WITH THIS MAN. IT WAS NOT AS ENTERTAINING AS IT SOUNDS

Seth Warshavsky. P0rn king extraordinaire. Non-payer of bills. The dinner was NOT his treat. For reasons now known.
posted by Say It Loud at 5:09 PM

YES, AMERICA WEST IS STILL THE WORST

2 pilots called back to the terminal cuz they were slightly trashed. Via my other blog.
posted by Say It Loud at 4:04 PM

LARGEST COLLECTION OF FEMALE MASTURBAT1ON SYNONYMS

Happy INDEPENDENCE day ladies!
posted by Say It Loud at 4:02 PM

SO SORRY, YOU'RE TOO FAT

Now, I know people come in all sorts of sizes and shapes, but I for one am happy that Southwest is forcing the obese to purchase 2 seats instead of 1. Isn't it about time we stopped coddling these fat, fat-headed fatty pants, and start making them pay for their intrusion into our personal space? The SFGate article mentions advocates for the obese disliking the plan, but what about advocates for the normal sized person who is tired of being squeezed out of her seat by the overflowing flab of the person beside her? Yes I'm a coldhearted bitch, but the fattening of America truly sickens me. Oh poor me, I'm obese, and yet I'm stuffing 3 pounds of McD's beef-tainted frenchfries down my throat every hour. Maybe the pocketbook pain of being double billed will get these fatties thinking about slimming down.
posted by Say It Loud at 1:04 PM

BANANA SPLATZ

what is it with ebay & banana splits stuff? I just bought these patches.


posted by Say It Loud at 12:38 PM

DULL MEN'S CLUB!

they just need to open a dull ladies club and I'm all over it. Hilarious sections on which direction the airport carousels turn and dull activities.
posted by Say It Loud at 12:24 PM

WHOOOMP

to the asshole who just rammed into me with his backpack and instead of apologizing said "Move!" as I was exiting Stacey's bookstore, fuck you. I went back inside the bookstore to tell you what a jerk you are, but you had nimbly climbed to the second floor and you're not worth the effort.

posted by Say It Loud at 1:55 PM

LALA LAND

i have a weird relationship with LA. On one hand, it was my first glimpse into what Cali living could be like, and I fell hard for the blue skies and palm trees. On the otro mano, now that my home is in No Cal, I participate frequently in snarking on the SoCalites and their lame [insert sports team, mentality, pace of life, or celebrity obsession]. But when I stepped off the plane on Saturday and soaked up some mid 70s temps that kept rising, I remembered what it's like to have summer, muy importante. I was all for falling in love with LA again, with the jasmine scented air and hot heat; then we got on the 405 to head to our hotel and sat in stop-start traffic. Death Cab for Cutie's song 405 looped in my head and kept me from screaming. And when we left the hotel to do some shopping, we were planning on walking to the mall until the sidewalk we were on abruptly ran out. Cars in LA is such a tired topic, but seriously, WTF. That smog comes from somewhere.

Other observations: cabs in LA come complete with the bullet proof shield between the driver and passengers, thus preventing any air conditioning from reaching the back seat. Cabs in SF have no such partition (low crime? less rage?) and no need for air conditioning.

Our flight back on Sunday arrived early enough for us to catch most of Michelle Shocked's free concert at Stern Grove. She totally rocked, and even squeezed a few songs in about how much she loves LA.

Currently watching: Mr. Show Season 1 & 2 DVDs
Listening to: Dub Narcotic Sound System: Shake-A-Pudding
posted by Say It Loud at 12:32 PM

SQUEEKY SQUEEKY

i am wiping away the tears from this hilarious collection of sound clips: recorded conversations of a drunk(?) guy who randomly calls someone's workplace every couple of days. He is a self proclaimed "pieced together robot."
posted by Say It Loud at 12:37 PM

Cool fortune cookie page.
posted by Say It Loud at 12:20 PM

Alack Alarum

Car Alarms: Effective or Merely Annoying? My vote goes to Annoying, since I live broadside to a busy street where alarms go off at all hours of the day/night. The other morning I was up at dawn (couldn't sleep, went for a walk) and was walking home when a car with a booming motor set off another car's alarm. It figured to be mere annoyance for the neighbors attempting sleep at 5 a.m. when I saw a rustling behind a curtain and a car remote pointed at the car shutting it off. At least this time the owners of said alarm were disturbed from their slumbers. I was working from home today and no less than 6 alarms went off for their standard period of 2 minutes. None were theft attempts from what I could tell. Can we make these things obsolete? Can we switch sound for visuals? A bunch of bright flashing lights would be just as effective and a whole lot less annoying. I mean, how many blind people report cars being stolen? EXACTLY!!!!! Let's turn this into a movement. Petitions, anyone?
posted by Say It Loud at 8:17 PM

Dog Haters Unite

been having boisterous conversations over drinks lately about how much dogs suck. Which leads me to this. Which in turn will lead you to a lot of strange places.
posted by Say It Loud at 4:28 PM

Dictionaraoke

hilarious: take the online M-W.com pronunciations of words and put them into song and you got DICTIONARAOKE!
posted by Say It Loud at 4:58 PM

YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN YOU START CULLING LINKS FROM METAFILTER

but this spiderwebs by spiders fed drug-dosed flies is too cool.
posted by Say It Loud at 1:27 PM

MUST STOP WORKING AND BLOG MORE

i will make up for my lax blogging with a link to a new blog: all the crazy emails I receive at work from people who reply to the mass emailing we send out for our clients. For example, say Kroger sends you an email advertising weekly specials and you write back asking your husband to remember to pick up condoms and orange juice on his way home. I get the erroneous mailing. Only the stuff I'm showing you isn't that mundane.
posted by Say It Loud at 7:23 PM

FUN WITH REFERRER LOGS:

5 google searches that brought people to my site:

* Are Walmart foosball tables good quality.... er, no.
* Stinky Roomate
* In-N-Out vs. McDonalds
* OIL TANKING GENT
* louie XIV

HELL YES

I got linked by a genuine welsh site. i think. my welsh is a little rusty, but those double f's kinda give it away. Fflewddur Flam indeed!

posted by Say It Loud at 7:15 PM

HARVEY THE MOUSE MUST DIE

one man's quest to rid his apartment of mice. with hilarious posters and pictures.


posted by Say It Loud at 3:57 PM

PIMPS UPLOAD, HOS DOWNLOAD

a dating-for-dummies blog by my friend Jared. I came up with the name, but the rest is pure Jared. Good stuff!
posted by Say It Loud at 8:53 AM

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME

a worthless piece of stock from my bankrupt company is now worth $300 because it was issued on Sept 11 2001?
posted by Say It Loud at 8:47 AM

ASHCROFT SPENDS 8 LARGE TO COVER NIPPLES

Mark Morford's take on Ashcroft's decision to drop 8k on velvet drapes that will cover the partially nude statues that have been in the Dept. of Justice since 1930s.
posted by Say It Loud at 6:38 PM

LEGOS + WHITE STRIPES MUSIC = GLORIOUS STUFF

oh my god. Quicktime video of lego animated White Stripes video. Fabulous.
posted by Say It Loud at 7:50 PM

YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF AWFULNESS OF MEN

sent over to provide maintenance on military aircraft in Bosnia, these dudes boozed it up on the job, raped and sold 14 year old girls to each other... on video. brilliant boys, brilliant.
posted by Say It Loud at 2:08 PM

FAN SITE DEDICATED TO CARTOON THAT NEVER EXISTED

"The Adventures of Li'l Bill and Hil and Friends" is a cartoon about the Clintons & their friends that ran for 8 seasons, or not. Delirious fan site complete with FAQ, Character explanation, episode summaries, etc. Socks the flying cat and his most memorable line "¿Eso sí qué es?" (via boingboing)

posted by Say It Loud at 1:31 PM

MORE ON THE PRETZEL

Jim Higgins' brainchild:

Devil's Pretzel (in my mouth)
to the tune of Beck's 'Devil's Haircut'

Something's wrong 'cause my windpipe's closing
chest feels like it's near exploding
earphoned bully boys walking other places
Spot & Barney staring, Nipper faces

Gutless Dolphins offense self-destructing
My throat in need of reconstructing
Vasovagal SYN-co-pea, unfurled
bringing down the boss of the free world

Got a Devil's Pretzel in my mouth
Got a Devil's Pretzel in my mouth
Got a Devil's Pretzel in my mouth
Got a Devil's Pretzel in my mouth

Cheney safehoused underground bunkers
Osama stalking Special Ops spelunkers
Ashcroft haunting swarthy students and doctors
Enron stooges cleaning out their lockers

Got a Devil's Pretzel in my mouth
Got a Devil's Pretzel in my mouth
Got a Devil's Pretzel in my mouth
Got a Devil's Pretzel in my mouth

Panic button reaching, flailing finger
Craving one humongous brandy stinger
No spores in here, not one iota
Hold on! This came from South Dakota!

Got Tom Daschle's Pretzel in my mouth
Got a Devil's Pretzel in my mouth
Got a Devil's Pretzel in my mouth
Got a Devil's Pretzel in my mouth

Devil's Pretzel! In My Mouth!
Daschle's Pretzel! In My Mouth!
Devil's Pretzel! In My Mouth!


GLORIOUS SITE DETAILING BUSH SCANDALS

ethics violations, broken campaign promises, and everything you need to know about Enrongate.
posted by Say It Loud at 1:09 PM

CHENEY WAS PRESIDENT FOR LIKE, 2 SECONDS.

pretty scary. here's some comments from a mailing list I'm not even on (via snarkeymalarkey):
"Bushie should ask Monica how to swallow without choking."
"Sounds like another example of One tequila Two tequila Three tequila Floor."
"Dick Cheney - a pretzel away from the presidency."
"Given the size and location of W's bruise, it makes me want to see if Cheney has a black eye. Fisticuffs in the Oval Office?"
"Nope, Cheney has bite marks on his ankles."
posted by Say It Loud at 3:40 PM

WHAT PRE 1985 VIDEO CHARACTER AM I?

I am a Breakout Bat. I am an abstract sort of creature, who dislikes any sort of restraint. If you try to pigeonhole me, I'll break the box, and come back for more. I don't have any particular ambitions, I just drift, but I am adept at keeping life going along. What Video Game Character Are You?

posted by Say It Loud at 3:20 PM

THE STRANGE AND BENDY WAYS OF LEISURETOWN

quirky site with cursing bendy-figures. i particularly like the MANAGE YOUR WEB DOLLARS column, which has nothing to do with web dollars and everything to do with the bendy-rabbit-figure losing his ATM card. and QA CONFIDENTIAL is hilarious, 90 pages long, and i've linked it before, but it still makes me cry with laughter every time.
posted by Say It Loud at 3:11 PM

WHAT TIME IS IT?

coolest internet clock ever.
posted by Say It Loud at 2:10 PM

SEMIOTICS OF SMOKING

"For any englightened, right-minded gent with an ounce of 'common' in his noddle there can be only one reliable way to judge one's fellow man and that is by the semiotics of smoking. A chap with cigarette, cigar, or pipe in hand, when keenly observed, will within a matter of minutes unwittingly divulge not only his social status and current state of mind but also vital information about temperament, reliability, employability, marital status, sexual proclivities and prowess, family background and literary tastes." Complete with hilarious illustrations.
posted by Say It Loud at 10:14 AM

MARIAH CAREY MAIL BAG

found stacked on a Manhattan curb, thesmokinggun.com scanned and posted the most entertaining of these fan mails/pics.

posted by Say It Loud at 4:41 PM

MUSEUM OF HOAXES

need i say more?
posted by Say It Loud at 4:33 PM

GOOF: FUN WITH POST-ITS

this happened a long long time ago (in internet terms), but i just saw it today, so i'm linkin this bad boy. Crazy guy posts post-it notes and pen for passersby to pen their thoughts on Starbucks.
posted by Say It Loud at 3:30 PM

YAWN:

"President Bush has appointed a former aide to the American oil company Unocal, Afghan-born Zalmay Khalilzad, as special envoy to Afghanistan." anyone surprised by this?
posted by Say It Loud at 2:54 PM

This is an mp3 recording of Dubya responding to the gwbush.com website. He actually says
"There ought to be limits to freedom." G.W. Bush May 21, 1999

posted by Say It Loud at 3:26 PM

HOUSE PARTIES: HOLLYWOOD VS. REALITY

Are house parties not as good as you imagined? Blame teen movies.

Hollywood: plenty of sex on the double bed
Reality: plenty of coats on the double bed

Hollywood: stoner girl with glasses turns out to be a 'fox'
Reality: stoner girl with glasses gets more stoned

posted by Say It Loud at 12:08 PM

HMMM... TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE "CURRENT SITUATION" FOR A LITTLE PUBLICITY?

here's the deal: there's a convenience store at the corner of 3rd & Balboa, mere steps from my house. On one of its walls is a mural depicting wine & beer, neither of which are for sale inside the store. For spirits you must walk another block and a half up Balboa St. After the first disappointing mission for alcohol, I learned to take the extra walk up the street for "juice." But then I tried to buy salsa at the corner store. And my choice(s?) was limited to one can of unrecognizable salsa whose label had faded from standing on the shelf for so long. Then I stopped in for a cold drink on a hot day. None of the drinks in the refrigerated section were cold because the refrigerators were/are unplugged except for the milk section. Also, the store keeps odd hours; it's more likely to be closed than open at any random time. Not exactly a CONVENIENCE store.

Now this article appears in sfgate about how the owner is Muslim and has been harrassed by people throwing bricks through his window since Sept 11. And while I am disappointed in my neighbors for such idiocy, I don't like the way the article blames the atmosphere of post-September for the decline of his store. He's trying to sell the store and move back to Jordan, and he played up the attacks to get some publicity. Here's the article.

The article informed me of the owner's sleeping arrangements in the back of his store, and this saddens me enough that I will try to go find something to buy there soon. But the broken window that is such a heartbreaker in the news story was fixed three weeks ago. The story published on Saturday. And maybe this is why the store is closed all the time?
posted by Say It Loud at 5:15 PM

THE SPAM LETTERS

one dude's hilarious idea to respond to spammers. he posts all the spam and responses on his site. they're all pretty funny, but you can try this and this on for size then wander around. (i really like the nigerian scams myself)
posted by Say It Loud at 2:17 PM

ENGLISH: THE NEW WORLD LANGUAGE

good economist.com article on the triumph of English. "The real reason for the latterday triumph of English is the triumph of the English-speaking United States as a world power."
posted by Say It Loud at 12:30 PM

ICELAND TO USE HYDROGEN TO REPLACE FOSSIL FUELS

Virtually all of its electricity and heating already comes from hydroelectric power and the geo-thermal water reserves tapped from the hot rock layers lying just beneath the surface of Iceland. Now they are working on getting their fleet of trawlers converted to hydrogen power. Then comes buses/cars.

posted by Say It Loud at 12:26 PM

NICE! (from Vocabula Review)

"Of all the words in the English language, few have more varied careers than nice. Its meaning has altered more often than that of most other words, and it has always borne several different meanings simultaneously. It was once a verbal chameleon, whose instability might have threatened its survival; it is now much overworked and has sunk to the verbal equivalent of a food extender, or flavoring-101."

The fifteen principal definitions of 'nice' in the Oxford English Dictionary, Second Edition:

1. foolish, stupid, senseless — 1290 to 1560

2. wanton, loose-mannered, lascivious — 1325 to 1606
(of dress) extravagant, flaunting — 1430 to 1540
very trim, elegant, or smart — 1483 to 1540

3. strange, rare, uncommon — 1430 to 1555

4. slothful, lazy, indolent — 1440 to 1604
effeminate, unmanly — 1573 to 1681
tender, delicate — 1562 to 1710
over-refined, luxurious — 1621 to 1720

5. coy, shy, affectedly modest — 1400 to 1634
reluctant, unwilling — 1560 to 1676

6. to make it nice to display reserve or reluctance; to make a scruple — 1530 to 1677

7. fastidious, dainty, difficult to please in matters of food or cleanliness; refined — 1551 to 1782
particular, precise, strict — 1584 to 1861
fastidious in matters of literary taste — 1628 to 1770
precise of strict in matters of reputation or conduct; punctilious, scrupulous, sensitive — 1647 to 1887
refined, cultured — 1603 to 1874

8. requiring or involving great precision, accuracy, or minuteness — 1513 to 1840

9. not obvious or readily apprehended; difficult to decide — 1513 to 1885
minute, subtle — 1561 to 1870
precise, exact, fine — 1710 to 1867

10. slender, thin — 1590 to 1604
unimportant, trivial — 1592 to 1601

11. critical, doubtful, full of danger or uncertainty — 1596 to 1682
delicate, needing tactful handling — 1617 to 1777

12. entering minutely into detail, attentive, close — 1589 to 1864
(of the senses) able to distinguish or discriminate in a high degree — 1586 to 1873
(of judgment) finely discriminative — 1597 to 1845
delicate or skilful in manipulation — 1711 to 1807

13. minutely or carefully accurate — 1599 to 1875

14. (of food) dainty, appetizing (especially of a cup of tea!) — 1712 to 1974

15. agreeable, a source of pleasure or satisfaction — 1796 to 1975


posted by Say It Loud at 2:25 PM

let the fun begin! Mavericks is open for contest season!

"On Saturday, dozens of riders assembled on a beach near cliffs at the north horn of Half Moon Bay. The gathering signaled opening the "window of opportunity" for the Quiksilver Men Who Ride Mountains contest.

"From now until March, contest director Jeff Clark (the break's legendary pioneer) will search buoy reports for suitable swells, select a contest date and provide 24-hour notice. That allows 22 invitees and 20 alternates time to grab their boards and reach this place where huge green walls loom from the sea, then explode in thunder and foam."
posted by Say It Loud at 12:20 PM

AND SINCE WE'RE AT WHATEVER DUDE....

might have already posted this... Mariah Carey's Unholy Shriek of Death... but it still brings tears to my eyes:

"She was so popular and talented that her first 1,100 singles went to number one. "Hero" and "Vision of Love" gave teenage girls across the country inspiration to be better people and something besides "Greatest Love of All" to sing at the talent show. At one point Mariah could've released an LP of her greatest greasy bathtub farts and it would've went platinum seven times.

"Then, at the height of her fame, she married her record producer, the head of Sony.

"And that's when it happened.

"Mariah realized that she was so rich, so powerful, so young that she didn't even NEED to sing quality songs. She released her "Butterfly" album and divorced her husband, some six-hundred years her senior. Off went the effort, off went the innocence, and off went all but half an inch of her clothes.

"In went half a million gallons of make-up, in went the hair dye, and in went the impossibly giant and floppy plastic chest."

posted by Say It Loud at 4:19 PM

WAR ON DRUGS: THOUGHTS FROM WHATEVER-DUDE

"Most arrive at that experimentation crossroad where you either head down the path that allows a vice to consume a life and motivate your every movement. Or you travel down the road were a drug of choice simply serves as a recreational tool to unwind, have a little fun and let a mind float through the clouds for a bit.

"Shouldn't that be a right living in a free society? Why does this country continue to obsess like a lovestruck teenager over personal choices and trivial matters such as buying a dime bag, or easing problems with a puff puff session in personal homes. Why do we harshly criminalize non-violent offenders who need assistance not prison cells, if it doesn't infringe on others' rights, and directly hurt anyone else? Why do only celebrities get the help they need, and chance after chance?"

more
posted by Say It Loud at 3:58 PM

BIN LADEN FEARED TO HAVE SEGWAY SCOOTER

"Picture Al Qaeda terrorists able to zip around cities on their dastardly errands at 12 miles an hour for only 5 cents a day. What a tremendous costs savings and convenience that would be for them," said Army Gen. Tommy Franks.
posted by Say It Loud at 2:54 PM

RIGHT BRILLIANT

letters from morrisey to a pen pal in the early 80s.
"No, no, no, you wouldn't want to go to Moscow. It's far too draughty . Big countries are. And you would be completely lost in Germany. Think of all the intellectual pressure? I'd rather imagine you in say, Majorca or Benidorm. And wouldn't the Australian bush be better than Glasgow? America is very like England - except, of course, for the language."
posted by Say It Loud at 12:15 PM

16 HOURS IN A HOME DEPOT: CRAZINESS ENSUES

pretty funny weblog about spending 16 hours in a home depot.
posted by Say It Loud at 2:02 PM

GET LOST IN NOBODY HERE

very fun place to waste some time. Socks are my greatest love. The nosehair plucking is cool. and Teddy will comfort me. (wait for the rubber glove)
posted by Say It Loud at 1:29 PM

FLASH

sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they're just beautiful, odd, pieces of flash.
posted by Say It Loud at 3:34 PM

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES

(yes, this is an email forward... but I've included only the parts of the list that I found funny)...

* If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
* The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
* When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill-- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
* It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
* It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
* If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
* When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to one another.
* Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
posted by Say It Loud at 1:55 PM

COMMON SENSE AT LAST

"Pro-America does not mean pro-war. Or pro-Bush. Or anti-Afghanistan. Or pro-little-flags-on-SUV-antennas." Mark Morford's sfgate article is right on.

More: "He's our leader right now, he's doing his best and he's all we've got. This is our rallying cry, our motto: He's all we've got. There's your bumper sticker. And there he is. Except for Cheney, which isn't exactly reassuring. No one has ever seen this man's mouth actually move. No one can take one look at his oddly spiritless and wan figure and not think, oh dear God, that man is running on fumes. From a bunker. With ropes and pulleys."
posted by Say It Loud at 12:07 PM

G O D - B A C K S (D - B A C K S!)

there is a baseball god, thank fucking christ. ok, so my voice got lost in the tumultous 9th inning screaming at the teevee, but other than that I'm unscathed.

today i found myself downloading Thriller & Madonna's Music, and before you know it, I want to be starting something. I don't feel bad about downloading albums I wouldn't otherwise buy or albums that millions of people have already bought. I did buy Iva Bittova's cd at Amoeba today, so those free downloads kind of cancel out. It is amazing, and I recommend it (experimental Czech chick w/ violin; think Dirty Three with Czech lyrics).

i missed BRMC playing with the Vue b/c of a high-ranking porn-master's visit and subsequent dinner at Bix. Not sure why exactly Matt and I had to be present at this dinner, because Matt only said "Nice to meetcha" to the dude (who looked oddly like Steve Sanders on steroids) and I was passing out during the appetizers due to Friday happy hour drinks the four hours prior to dinner. and the only news I had on the show was Michelle's very insightful "The singer was nice to stare at" comment. BUT: De La Sou/Biz Markie is Thursday, Built to Spill is Thursday thru Monday, Superchunk is Wednesday... wheeeeeeeeeeee!
posted by Say It Loud at 7:26 PM

NINTH INNINING, DOWN TWO RUNS, ONE MAN ON, HOMERUN... AGAIN

i hate the yankees more than i hate my job, red meat, the tv execs who yanked Freaks & Geeks, sunburn, hangovers, George Bush, headaches, and rabidly patriotic fuckheads added together.

yesterday, tino martinez. today, scott brosus. and it's all matt's fault for jinxing it, b/c in the bottom of the 9th, with 2 outs, he said "It's over. Let's go play foos." Bastard!

fuck the yankees. please please please. if there is a baseball god. please fuck the yankees in the next 2 games.
posted by Say It Loud at 9:56 PM

THINGS LOOKING UP (AT A SIX DEGREE ANGLE)

if i do lose my job in the reshuffling that will take place next month, i can always participate in this NASA study on the effects of staying a month in bed. 30 days of 24 hours in bed with your head tilted 6 degrees downward, hmmm. i don't think they allow book-reading, or any other fun. but they do pay $11/hr. nice work if you can get it. and i can always attribute my future insanity on the "time i did a month in NASA staring at a ceiling for 30 days, 24 hours a day."
posted by Say It Loud at 4:00 PM

ONE OF THOSE FORWARDS, BUT WORTH READING:

"At first it was easy: Some guys hijacked some planes and flew them into our buildings and we knew what to call it: "America Under Attack". Obviously we couldn't leave it at that, so we loaded up our airplanes and warships and threw together a real nifty coalition of a couple of our friends and practically all of our enemies and started bombing the crap out of Afghanistan. This was called "America Strikes Back!", which was short for "America Strikes Back at the Taliban Because Osama Bin Laden Is Too Hard to Find") Then some people got some anthrax in the mail and suddenly all hell starts breaking loose. Now the entire U.S. postal system's clogged up with powder-stuffed envelopes and there's a nationwide run on antibiotics. Frankly, I think we were better off sticking to putting flags on our cars.

So now the Big Question is, "What's Next?", and the answer, I'm afraid to say is, "Nothing Good."

Operation "Enduring Freedom" (a title packed with almost as much built-in irony as its short-lived predecessor, "Infinite Justice") promises to be the most spectacular political, and possibly military failure since the Dawn of Time. All you have to do is listen to the news to know Nobody's In Charge.

We're at war with the third poorest nation in the world, dropping three times their Gross National Product in bombs on them Every Day, (and yes, some food too, something akin to gut-punching somebody and then handing them a dinner mint...) while scrambling all over the MAP to hold together our "Global Coalition" ("India, you know Pakistan... why don't you two just get cozy while I run over here to... IRAN! It's So GOOD to See You! You know, we really HAVE to get together more often...")

Let's face it, the Global Coalition is turning into one of those disastrous dinner parties where everybody mildly hates each other and can't stand the host but keeps smiling because the food's not bad and, after all, it IS a charity event. Trouble is that the attendee's populations are spilling out on the streets shouting "Death to America", like tugging spouses who whisper "Let's go already... You know we can't stand these people..." And now there's another loud crash in the kitchen and we're told the Senate Staff's getting sick. Oh. My. God.

So, whaddo we do now? How do stop all these innocent people from getting hurt and killed? Well, for starters we could STOP BOMBING THEM! Let's face it, the people living in and around Kabul and Kandahar aren't really responsible for what happened in New York, and they don't really deserve to be cluster-bombed. As a matter of fact, nobody deserves to be cluster-bombed. Nobody. It's high time we realized that bombing people who can't really fight back, (even with all the weapons we gave them) is Cowardly and Wrong, like having a big yellow stripe painted down the middle of the American Flag. It's not a war when only one side gets killed, it's slaughter, pure and simple, and for every "terrorist" we kill, a dozen more are inspired to take their place. We should call off our airstrikes immediately and offer apologies to the entire world - particularly the people of Vietnam, Cambodia, Afghanistan and Iraq. "We're Sorry," we should
say, "We don't know what the hell we were thinking."

We elected a perfectly reasonable, intelligent, clear-headed man as President of the United States. Unfortunately, he didn't get in, and instead we're stuck with George Bush. Among the many pieces of information now being withheld from the public for the sake of national security is the results of the final Florida recount. We should demand that those results be made public, and if it turns out Gore won, he should be immediately installed in the Office he was rightfully elected to. I know this sounds ludicrous, far-fetched, probably illegal and and blatantly partisan, so we'll have to let the Supreme Court do the paperwork on this one. I'm sure Scalia can come up with something.

If this sounds ridiculous to you, just wait another week or two. By then it'll be obvious to everyone, even Antonin Scalia, what a disastrous mistake this so-called presidency, and its war on terrorism has been. (And let's face it, only a president with No Foreign Policy Experience Whatsoever would be stupid enough to declare war on all terrorist organizations around the world simultaneously.)

America, its people, its principles, the rule of law and everything it stands for, took a big hit on September 11th, but it was nothing compared to the beating we took last December 12th. That was the day that operatives of the Republican Party hijacked our national election process and flew it directly into the Supreme Court. It's my hope that some of you brave souls will forward this message and that somehow it will make it's way through the FBI (Hi Guys!) and on to the Supreme Court, where you, Justice Scalia, will read it and be so moved that you'll come forward and admit to the nation that you and your buddies made a mistake. A terrible, terrible mistake. Please, Antonin, you're the only one who can save us... a nation turns its lonely eyes to you."




posted by Say It Loud at 1:45 PM

COOL AS HELL

interactive kung-fu remixer.
posted by Say It Loud at 12:49 PM

OH YEAH, OPERATION ENDURING FREEDOM IS IN THE HOUSE

get your war on. funneeeee!
posted by Say It Loud at 12:07 PM

HER VOCABULARY WAS AS BAD AS, LIKE, WHATEVER

winners of the worst analogies in a high school essay, gleaned from a washington post contest. including:

"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."

posted by Say It Loud at 12:00 PM

go marcus!
posted by Say It Loud at 3:01 PM

OPERATION MAMMOTH CLOWN HEAD

The peeps at dorrk.com have come up with some savvy tricks to use against the Taliban, including:
Operation Fake Robots: unleash hundreds of oversized, mostly harmless mechanized robots into enemy camps, with the intent to spook the most fearful of their soldiers and to confuse others
Operation Pudding Missile: Although the missiles will appear realistic harbingers of certain death, they will in fact be vessels of delicious chocolate pudding encased in a hard, missile-shaped candy shell
Operation Tiny Paratroopers: The release of thousands of tiny plastic toy paratroopers over enemy bunkers will needlessly provoke opposition forces into an emergency defensive formation
Operation Big Mylar Balloon: Mylar fabric featuring "messages from Allah"
Operation Latent Consumerism: "We will litter our nemeses' homeland with colorful ad inserts from our nation's many Sunday newspapers, luring them to freedom via Best Buy and Walmart."

posted by Say It Loud at 2:40 PM

TOKENS FROM THE INTERNET BOOM

as my company edges closer to bankrupcy, we the 'lucky' employees left in this empty shell have been given the opportunity to reap what our disasterous, money-spending founders sowed. i took home an excellent 18gig computer with an 866 processor (complete with ergonomic keyboard, harman/kardon speakers, & a microsoft mouse) for $175. yesterday i lugged 2 Leap chairs home for a mere $110. today, the pool table and 3 foosball tables go on sale via silent auction. and since i have a huge empty room in my spacious flat, i'm bidding on one of the foos tables. yeeeeeehaw. other fallout offered for sale: British Airways frequent flier miles, with the lucky buyer only paying the tax. That's 30,000 miles for $200, or a ride in the Concord for $900. Also, cruise packages, same deal of only having to pay the tax. 3 day cruise to Bahamas for ridiculous price. Being averse to cruises, I passed on this one. Plus I heard a rumor that airlines may discontinue their frequent flier programs, so I'm not taking any chances on the British Airways package either. But foos, 'puter, & chair will make me a very happy unemployee indeed.

posted by Say It Loud at 1:51 PM

TODAY'S COLUMN BROUGHT TO YOU BY MATIER & ROSS

"THAT BE BERKELEY: When it comes to pushing the outer limits, San Francisco has nothing on Berkeley. Just ask public relations man Paul Shinoff who, while attending the annual self-mocking "How Berkeley Can You Be" parade, spotted a man wearing a feathered rooster mask, sequined shirt and . . . nothing else.

No big deal in Berkeley, except that the guy was also standing in the middle of the street masturbating -- in full view of onlookers, including several kids.

Shinoff immediately pointed out the rude rooster to a nearby police reservist directing traffic. The reservist's reaction? He suggested that Shinoff talk to the cop up the street.

So Shinoff peddled up to the bike-riding officer, and again pointed out the naked bird man.

"I'm on strict orders not to do anything," the officer told him. "You'll have to talk to the chief on Monday."

Shinoff got pretty much the same answer when he talked to the sergeant in charge, who told him that the department's hands were tied by "free speech" orders of the Berkeley City Council. That be Berkeley.

MEANWHILE, IN S.F.: On Monday, a woman walked into the lobby of 1145 Market St. -- a building that houses a number of city offices -- pulled down her pants, and in front of the security guard, began urinating in the building's U. S. Mail box.

"The police showed up and escorted her out of the building but did not arrest her. They said it wasn't a federal offense," says one city worker who witnessed the incident.

Later, "we were told that if any of us put outgoing mail in the box, to go through the box with rubber gloves and retrieve our letters," the city worker told us.

And you thought Berkeley was strange."
posted by Say It Loud at 10:07 AM

WORDS WORDS WORDS

this page allows you to identify and visualize the relations, connections, intersections, and rhymes between words. very cool.
posted by Say It Loud at 11:26 AM

DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MISS UNTIL IT'S HERE AGAIN

i forgot how much i love thunderstorms. this is the first thunderstorm we've had in san fran in what seems like 2 years. ohmygod. supercool!


posted by Say It Loud at 6:48 PM

MORE GAMES

who knew? msn zone has addictive games.
posted by Say It Loud at 3:00 PM

MILHOUSE PLUS JANEY EQUALS ????

what if the characters on the simpsons mated?
posted by Say It Loud at 2:18 PM

MMMMMKAY?

fuck mtv is a great weblog full of hilarious video reviews.
this page is also worth a few chuckles. (no, you won't be embarrassed by the content, but you will be made to feel stupid.)
and finally, a site that blows away all other designers.


posted by Say It Loud at 1:15 PM

MOBY DICK WALKS?

Whales apparently once lived on land. Their closest relatives today are COWS, GIRAFFES, and CAMELS.
posted by Say It Loud at 12:01 PM

ZWIGOFF & CLOWES

a conversation.
posted by Say It Loud at 11:38 AM

BADASS BUDDY ICONS

if you have AOL IM, you need to get one of these hilarious violent buddy icons.
posted by Say It Loud at 10:40 AM

FOGGY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS

cool fog forecast animation... courtesy sfgate.
posted by Say It Loud at 10:23 AM

TROME-L'OEIL MURALS : LOOK AGAIN!

these photos of actual murals in Palo Alto are very cool. I'd be fooled into looking twice. (link from BoinG BoinG)

posted by Say It Loud at 2:50 PM

BARBARA MANNING HATES CINCINNATI

went to the last stop on barbara's seven week tour; she played the makeout room and launched into a tirade against pretty much every other US city except san fran. "Don't go to Cincinnati-- there's lots of poor people there. Just like SF without the coolness." Whatever Barb. i happened to get there early enough to stake out a booth, and as i was waiting for friends to show up, some idiot came up to me and asked if I'd be willing to give up my booth to a party of four (i was sitting by myself, reading at the time). now that's just rude.
posted by Say It Loud at 11:15 AM

LETTERS FROM REHAB: BACKSTREET STYLE

semi-funny fictitious letters from AJ on modernhumorist. "Remember how in Orlando we’d hang out in the fake alleyway behind the fake convenience store and smoke fake cigarettes? I’ll never forget those fabricated times. They’ll always give me ersatz strength, so that just when I think I’ve seen the darkest virtual night, I’ll know in the back of my mind that a studio-created dawn is on its way. Also, I’m working on a piece for The New Republic on the dangerous illusion of campaign finance reform. I submit that the very belief that it will help save American democracy is itself indicative of the sad state of American democracy. The institution must be revitalized by the people, from the ground up, not through some procedural patch. Draft enclosed: Can you mark it up, Backstreet-style, and send me comments?"
posted by Say It Loud at 12:08 PM

GAMES GAMES GAMES

cool lego game.

and 3-D Pong. both very addictive, very fun, & both require shockwave.
posted by Say It Loud at 2:51 PM

SOMEONE NEEDS TO TELL THEM THE "GOLD RUSH" IS OVER...

they also seem to be clueless that less is more in terms of domain names: "Until recently, domain names were limited to just 26 characters - but the rules have changed and we have the inside track... Here are some of the names we purchased for ourselves (with and without dashes): Website-Marketing-and-Design.com, WebsiteDesignandMarketing.com, Internet-Business-Development.com, Website-Optimization-and Promotion.com, Website-Promotion-and-Optimization.com, Website-Marketing-and-Promotion.com"

um, good luck with that, web doctor! (link from mefi)

posted by Say It Loud at 11:18 AM

WHAT GRUBWORMS WOMEN ARE TO CRAWL ON THEIR BELLIES THROUGH COLORLESS MARRIAGES

"F. Scott Fitzgerald stole Zelda's ideas, plagiarized her diaries and even pushed her into an affair. He was arguably the worst husband of his generation -- and that made him its best author..." sez Salon.
posted by Say It Loud at 4:56 PM

INTERACTIVE MANHATTAN

this site is so cool. you can see where on the island office buildings were built over the last century, plus maps of landfill, subway, parks, the city grid in 1811... The perspectival fly-through is also neato.
posted by Say It Loud at 4:50 PM

WHAT THE FUCK?

trying to quit smoking? looking for an alternative source of nicotine without the tar & smoke? no, not the patch, NICOTINE WATER. 69 cents a bottle for brownish water. "Great for gyms, spas, coffee houses, bars, hotels and restaurants."

the next generation of reality television: "For the first time in history a television show will take you to a place where even the Gods themselves fear to tread...a place where some of the most clever criminals in the world will compete against the best trained Manhunters on earth for the only thing that really matters...redemption." 12 convicted felons will try to elude professional manhunters as they compete for $1 million... only the money goes to the winner's last victim. Wasn't this a short story called The Most Dangerous Game?
posted by Say It Loud at 11:24 AM

I'VE GOT A BEEF ABOUT MCDONALDS FRIES

yes, there is beef in your mcdonalds fries! 10 years of vegetarianism and i've been eating beef-flavored fries the whole time. compare this to in-n-out's recipe:

In-N-Out Potatoes + vegetable oil

vs.

McDonalds Potatoes, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, natural flavor (beef source), dextrose, sodium acid pyrophosphate (to preserve natural color). Cooked in partially hydrogenated vegetable oils, (may contain partially hydrogenated soybean oil and/or partially hydrogenated corn oil and/or partially hydrogenated canola oil and/or cottonseed oil and/or sunflower oil and/or corn oil). TBHQ and citric acid added to help preserve freshness. Dimethylpolysiloxane added as an anti-foaming agent.

Anti-foaming agent? i prefer my fries foamy, thank you.

posted by Say It Loud at 10:05 AM

GAMES

water balloon drop from the Golden Gate bridge- watch out for pigeons, cops, & old ladies!
posted by Say It Loud at 4:42 PM

MORE ESCAPISM

i just picked up two wonderful books and have been reading them both all evening. The collected stories of Richard Yates is the best collection of short stories i've ever read. Fast Food Nation, while interesting, is toeing the line between being a seriously academic work and one of light marshmallow fluff. i don't like that combination. Maybe it'll get better. But i normally like my academics straight up, smothered in footnotes (or endnotes, or just plain citations!!!), and i like my fluff just plain airy and delicious.

addendum: i take it back- fast food nation is thoroughly researched and endnoted. i was just too lazy to look for the notes. and the fluff is only to break up the tedium. it's good stuff.
posted by Say It Loud at 10:50 PM

GHOST WORLD

what an awesome movie. it'd have to rank it #2 movie of the year, behind Momento. Freakin hilarious.
posted by Say It Loud at 1:43 PM

INFLATED REAL ESTATE BRINGS DOWN MANY A DOT COM

good Industry Standard article on the folly of renting space during San Fran's heyday at $100 a square foot, signing a 15 year lease and having no viable business plan. hee hee, that's what's contributed to my own dot com tanking. in fact, i heard today that we've stopped paying rent on one of our ridiculously expensive properties (supposedly $100grand a month) that's lain empty since April.

had lunch today in the park with one of my unemployed friends and a few friends who still have jobs at my company. we were all tearing into the obvious mistakes our parent company made to send us draining down the tubes towards impending bankrupcy. I guess we were pretty loud, because a tall TV talk-show type guy walked up and asked if we wanted to get interviewed about the dot com bust. We all begged off because most of us had to get back to our overworked desks, but as we were leaving i noticed a group of 20ish guys getting idiotic soundbytes recorded for the camera. "Things were getting crazy in this city, and now it's calmed down quite a bit..." Now that I think about it, they probably approached us first b/c we were a group of guys AND girls, and my friend Michelle happens to be HOT. Much better for the camera than the usual male techie slacker stereotype in t-shirt & jeans.
posted by Say It Loud at 2:50 PM

QA CONFIDENTIAL

i work in the QA department, so I found this link absolutely hilarious. I think the strange and wonderful antics of the plastic figurines will give anyone a case of the giggles, tho. (link shamelsesly pilfered from BoinGboinG)
posted by Say It Loud at 3:08 PM

BOOKS

i finished Thinks... by David Lodge last night, and i can't say that i agree with the hype and numerous recommendations for this book. Parts of it were intriguing, but i'm never a big fan of any book that ends with giving a paragraph to each character to tell what became of them. The ending was trite drivel, and I expected as much as soon as Helen gave in to Ralph's advances. The sexual tension kept the story buoyant, and once it was gone the plot fizzled out disappointingly.

Manhattan Transfer, on the other hand, may be the best book I've read all year. It was my first foray into Dos Passos-land, and I'm prepared to fully gorge myself with all his works now.

Other recently finished recommendations: Sweet Thursday, & My Year of Meats.

I'm now reading The Sleepwalkers by Hermann Broch, which is so far excellent.
posted by Say It Loud at 10:35 AM

REGRETTABLE FOOD

hilarious old cookbooks scanned and panned for your laughing pleasure. How to Make Crap Past 10pm. There's some really funny stuff in these.

also, the very fun game of WordBall! (seems to only work in Netscape)

(links courtesy reddwarf)

posted by Say It Loud at 2:31 PM

BITCHIN 'BOUT THE BOSS

on friday i had lunch with some friends at a mexican place downtown. it being friday, we all ordered drinks and had a fine time chowing down and goofing off. an hour later i return to my desk and am accosted by my manager, victor. victor is a malaysian immigrant whose english is pretty good but it's hard as hell to understand what point he's trying to make. he comes up and says in a whispery voice, "the company doesn't pay for lunch." i'm somewhat taken aback, since it's a state law that yes, the company does indeed pay for lunch time. after much prodding i finally get him to state what the hell he's talking about. apparently when i left for lunch, so did the three chinese-american ladies in my department, leaving our dept "out to lunch." and an 'emergency' came up, where victor needed immediate support. instead of walking upstairs to get any of the three ladies (who always eat upstairs in the kitchen), he waited until i came back (i was the first one back, meaning i took the shortest lunch...) to accost me and say that if i'm going to be longer than 1/2 an hour i need to tell him. none of the asian lasses got chastized. of course i'm not surprised by his favoritism, since it's been evident since day 1. but i like to think that he feels threatened by me and this is why he lashes out in my direction. prick.
posted by Say It Loud at 12:18 PM

YEAR OF THE SNAKE

i know the chinese new year has already been celebrated, so i'm at a loss to explain why there was a parade of drum-banging cymbal-clanging youths and dancers covered by silk lions popping firecrackers at all the chinese business on my block. The group had two trucks loaded with drums and drummers, with a large red and white flag fluttering alongside. The two lions danced their way into the Chinese restaurant, the hair salon, the Chinese meat market, but conspiciously skipped Natori, the Japanese restaurant wedged in between two of these. I was reading upstairs with my cat curled up beside me when the clanging started, so I went out on the roof and enjoyed the show. The lions dance outside the business, pop firecrackers, sniff the edges of the door, then dance inside for a few minutes before retreating. Entertaining, but still- it's August!
posted by Say It Loud at 2:12 PM

WHY WOULD YOU READ FRIDAY'S PAPER ON A TUESDAY?

i glanced up on the bus to scan the headlines of what i thought was this morning's paper, only to find the elderly gent was reading last Friday's paper. Now that's just plain confusing. Especially since I woke up not knowing what day it was and praying it was Friday.
posted by Say It Loud at 10:50 AM

STUPID IS AS STUPID QUOTES BAD MOVIES

computer tech phone calls. including a man whose diskette got stuck in his A: drive so he poured butter in the drive and used pliers to pry it out.
posted by Say It Loud at 12:53 PM

RENTER'S LAMENT

i want to buy a house. why is it so hard to own a house in the city?
posted by Say It Loud at 12:33 PM