save the welsh |
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nothing good. nothing fresh. i promise. since January 2001 
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Monday, October 29, 2001
THINGS LOOKING UP (AT A SIX DEGREE ANGLE)
if i do lose my job in the reshuffling that will take place next month, i can always participate in this NASA study on the effects of staying a month in bed. 30 days of 24 hours in bed with your head tilted 6 degrees downward, hmmm. i don't think they allow book-reading, or any other fun. but they do pay $11/hr. nice work if you can get it. and i can always attribute my future insanity on the "time i did a month in NASA staring at a ceiling for 30 days, 24 hours a day." Wednesday, October 24, 2001
ONE OF THOSE FORWARDS, BUT WORTH READING:
"At first it was easy: Some guys hijacked some planes and flew them into our buildings and we knew what to call it: "America Under Attack". Obviously we couldn't leave it at that, so we loaded up our airplanes and warships and threw together a real nifty coalition of a couple of our friends and practically all of our enemies and started bombing the crap out of Afghanistan. This was called "America Strikes Back!", which was short for "America Strikes Back at the Taliban Because Osama Bin Laden Is Too Hard to Find") Then some people got some anthrax in the mail and suddenly all hell starts breaking loose. Now the entire U.S. postal system's clogged up with powder-stuffed envelopes and there's a nationwide run on antibiotics. Frankly, I think we were better off sticking to putting flags on our cars. So now the Big Question is, "What's Next?", and the answer, I'm afraid to say is, "Nothing Good." Operation "Enduring Freedom" (a title packed with almost as much built-in irony as its short-lived predecessor, "Infinite Justice") promises to be the most spectacular political, and possibly military failure since the Dawn of Time. All you have to do is listen to the news to know Nobody's In Charge. We're at war with the third poorest nation in the world, dropping three times their Gross National Product in bombs on them Every Day, (and yes, some food too, something akin to gut-punching somebody and then handing them a dinner mint...) while scrambling all over the MAP to hold together our "Global Coalition" ("India, you know Pakistan... why don't you two just get cozy while I run over here to... IRAN! It's So GOOD to See You! You know, we really HAVE to get together more often...") Let's face it, the Global Coalition is turning into one of those disastrous dinner parties where everybody mildly hates each other and can't stand the host but keeps smiling because the food's not bad and, after all, it IS a charity event. Trouble is that the attendee's populations are spilling out on the streets shouting "Death to America", like tugging spouses who whisper "Let's go already... You know we can't stand these people..." And now there's another loud crash in the kitchen and we're told the Senate Staff's getting sick. Oh. My. God. So, whaddo we do now? How do stop all these innocent people from getting hurt and killed? Well, for starters we could STOP BOMBING THEM! Let's face it, the people living in and around Kabul and Kandahar aren't really responsible for what happened in New York, and they don't really deserve to be cluster-bombed. As a matter of fact, nobody deserves to be cluster-bombed. Nobody. It's high time we realized that bombing people who can't really fight back, (even with all the weapons we gave them) is Cowardly and Wrong, like having a big yellow stripe painted down the middle of the American Flag. It's not a war when only one side gets killed, it's slaughter, pure and simple, and for every "terrorist" we kill, a dozen more are inspired to take their place. We should call off our airstrikes immediately and offer apologies to the entire world - particularly the people of Vietnam, Cambodia, Afghanistan and Iraq. "We're Sorry," we should say, "We don't know what the hell we were thinking." We elected a perfectly reasonable, intelligent, clear-headed man as President of the United States. Unfortunately, he didn't get in, and instead we're stuck with George Bush. Among the many pieces of information now being withheld from the public for the sake of national security is the results of the final Florida recount. We should demand that those results be made public, and if it turns out Gore won, he should be immediately installed in the Office he was rightfully elected to. I know this sounds ludicrous, far-fetched, probably illegal and and blatantly partisan, so we'll have to let the Supreme Court do the paperwork on this one. I'm sure Scalia can come up with something. If this sounds ridiculous to you, just wait another week or two. By then it'll be obvious to everyone, even Antonin Scalia, what a disastrous mistake this so-called presidency, and its war on terrorism has been. (And let's face it, only a president with No Foreign Policy Experience Whatsoever would be stupid enough to declare war on all terrorist organizations around the world simultaneously.) America, its people, its principles, the rule of law and everything it stands for, took a big hit on September 11th, but it was nothing compared to the beating we took last December 12th. That was the day that operatives of the Republican Party hijacked our national election process and flew it directly into the Supreme Court. It's my hope that some of you brave souls will forward this message and that somehow it will make it's way through the FBI (Hi Guys!) and on to the Supreme Court, where you, Justice Scalia, will read it and be so moved that you'll come forward and admit to the nation that you and your buddies made a mistake. A terrible, terrible mistake. Please, Antonin, you're the only one who can save us... a nation turns its lonely eyes to you." Tuesday, October 23, 2001
Thursday, October 18, 2001
HER VOCABULARY WAS AS BAD AS, LIKE, WHATEVER
winners of the worst analogies in a high school essay, gleaned from a washington post contest. including: "John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met." "From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30." Tuesday, October 09, 2001
OPERATION MAMMOTH CLOWN HEAD
The peeps at dorrk.com have come up with some savvy tricks to use against the Taliban, including: Operation Fake Robots: unleash hundreds of oversized, mostly harmless mechanized robots into enemy camps, with the intent to spook the most fearful of their soldiers and to confuse others Operation Pudding Missile: Although the missiles will appear realistic harbingers of certain death, they will in fact be vessels of delicious chocolate pudding encased in a hard, missile-shaped candy shell Operation Tiny Paratroopers: The release of thousands of tiny plastic toy paratroopers over enemy bunkers will needlessly provoke opposition forces into an emergency defensive formation Operation Big Mylar Balloon: Mylar fabric featuring "messages from Allah" Operation Latent Consumerism: "We will litter our nemeses' homeland with colorful ad inserts from our nation's many Sunday newspapers, luring them to freedom via Best Buy and Walmart." Thursday, October 04, 2001
TOKENS FROM THE INTERNET BOOM
as my company edges closer to bankrupcy, we the 'lucky' employees left in this empty shell have been given the opportunity to reap what our disasterous, money-spending founders sowed. i took home an excellent 18gig computer with an 866 processor (complete with ergonomic keyboard, harman/kardon speakers, & a microsoft mouse) for $175. yesterday i lugged 2 Leap chairs home for a mere $110. today, the pool table and 3 foosball tables go on sale via silent auction. and since i have a huge empty room in my spacious flat, i'm bidding on one of the foos tables. yeeeeeehaw. other fallout offered for sale: British Airways frequent flier miles, with the lucky buyer only paying the tax. That's 30,000 miles for $200, or a ride in the Concord for $900. Also, cruise packages, same deal of only having to pay the tax. 3 day cruise to Bahamas for ridiculous price. Being averse to cruises, I passed on this one. Plus I heard a rumor that airlines may discontinue their frequent flier programs, so I'm not taking any chances on the British Airways package either. But foos, 'puter, & chair will make me a very happy unemployee indeed. Wednesday, October 03, 2001
TODAY'S COLUMN BROUGHT TO YOU BY MATIER & ROSS
"THAT BE BERKELEY: When it comes to pushing the outer limits, San Francisco has nothing on Berkeley. Just ask public relations man Paul Shinoff who, while attending the annual self-mocking "How Berkeley Can You Be" parade, spotted a man wearing a feathered rooster mask, sequined shirt and . . . nothing else. No big deal in Berkeley, except that the guy was also standing in the middle of the street masturbating -- in full view of onlookers, including several kids. Shinoff immediately pointed out the rude rooster to a nearby police reservist directing traffic. The reservist's reaction? He suggested that Shinoff talk to the cop up the street. So Shinoff peddled up to the bike-riding officer, and again pointed out the naked bird man. "I'm on strict orders not to do anything," the officer told him. "You'll have to talk to the chief on Monday." Shinoff got pretty much the same answer when he talked to the sergeant in charge, who told him that the department's hands were tied by "free speech" orders of the Berkeley City Council. That be Berkeley. MEANWHILE, IN S.F.: On Monday, a woman walked into the lobby of 1145 Market St. -- a building that houses a number of city offices -- pulled down her pants, and in front of the security guard, began urinating in the building's U. S. Mail box. "The police showed up and escorted her out of the building but did not arrest her. They said it wasn't a federal offense," says one city worker who witnessed the incident. Later, "we were told that if any of us put outgoing mail in the box, to go through the box with rubber gloves and retrieve our letters," the city worker told us. And you thought Berkeley was strange." |
